May 25, 2018

vent off

this is the first time on the internet i'm fully venting off. i wouldn't normally do this but i'm afraid that if i keep too much to myself i'm going to do something to myself i'm going to regret. i don't give a shit if 2 people read this, i just want this to be out there. it's an extremely cliche scenario but i don't give a fuck, maybe it will help me. there are enough people on the internet spilling out their problems and pretending that others give a shit, i'm gonna join the pile.

college:

about two years ago i willingly chose to study mechanical engineering in what is supposed to be "the best engineering college in poland". uh yeah i'm polish if someone didn't know yet - anyhow - that was quite easily the worst decision of my life. i have no idea what the fuck was going through my mind - me, the absolute fucking retard when it comes to handling machinery, let alone understanding what basic components of said machinery are and how they work. i was apparently thinking - yes, let's major in that one thing i absolutely suck cock at and possibly even hate, as i never had any good memories with classes like physics in the past. it took only one semester to realize it wasn't a very thought out idea, so for some fucking idiotic reason i passed it somehow(probably luck) and continued on to the second one, only to realize it's getting worse and worse. you'd think - maybe it's time to throw in the towel and try something else? well apparently not. my life recently is revolving around lies. not lies that affect other people - in fact i hate being untruthful and try to be honest and straight with people - but lies that affect myself. even tho the signs were clear - even tho i already failed one of the classes and had to pay a decent sum to continue studying - i fucking did that. i prolonged my own torture willingly. third semester passed, more money was spent and it hit me - i really, really hate what i'm studying. it also doesn't help that everyone is treated like a pest in there and for the most part getting from one semester to the next one is a fucking lottery. somehow, the thought of "i can't live from anything else" still continued to persist in my head. i lied to myself - i thought, hey, maybe i'll finally like this place - knowing full well in the back of my head that i did this only to secure my future a tiny bit more. fourth semester is where i'm currently at and i'm one month away from finals. things are not looking good. my luck is running out and the realization that i can't live with my lies is reaching it's peak. i absolutely fucking hate mechanical engineering. i need to escape it - very probably fail it and never look back. it's fucking pathetic - it took me 2 years of lying to myself to finally admit that. i should have had cut this short but instead i chose to pile up all the feelings about it to the point where i just wasn't able to hold it all in.

general:

that's another thing i have to say - i'm a little weeping bitch. i act "cool" and "collected" and talk "straight" and "to the point" with people but it's all just a facade - i'm a fucking failure that can't collect his own life. i'm trying to manage a project involving multiple people yet i can't even fucking manage myself. if it honestly wasn't for the amount of people that listen to my music i might have not been here. that still remains as one of very few things i'm confident in. the stress associated with this situation doesn't seem to affect my music - i turn every worry off whenever i get a chance to work on it - however these said chances are getting more slim. every time i go back to my shitty ass dirty room in the old apartment , i think of all the stuff i have to do for college that i fucking hate doing, then think maybe i should work on something i like working on but then again i'm reminded i don't have time for that and i should focus on my college work aaaand it's a fucking cycle - i sit there doing fucking nothing till i finally either start working on said thing because it's really urgent or i become a fat counterproductive slob wasting time on the internet. it's a vicious cycle and one that if not taken care of, could lead to me really snapping one day. however, there is a glimmer of hope. that's you guys - any of you who decided to throw some money at a random on the internet that makes subpar music. i can't thank you enough for that , you give me hope that something might change. i'm just gonna be straight here - the average monthly pay in poland is around 2400PLN which in USD is $650. this goal - just from a steady flow of commissions - is absolutely impossible. it's inevitable that i have to continue some kind of education and get a degree but in a field that actually doesn't make me want to hurt myself. i was considering maybe film editing like two other good friends of mine from back in the day - i do have some kind of knack for it, if all these YTPMVs over the years are anything to go by.

in the end, i have only myself to blame for the choices i've made in my life. i lied to myself and it led to tragedy. i'm goalless in life and i have very few positive traits, which are not even known to bring profits big enough to sustain someone's life. it's a very grim situation with just a few sparks of hope. writing all of this maybe helped. i already feel kinda better... and i guess i can look back to this blog post in the future and either think that the worst times were behind me, or that these were actually the best times of my life...

2 comments:

  1. you can go through it, man. you're a cool dude with real dreams and real feelings. go after what makes you feel the most fullfilled. regards

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  2. It's good to get it out. You may have made mistakes, but what really counts is what you learned in the process. Gather yourself, and try again.

    You are a wonderful musician. Please hang in there.

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